A full heart

My heart has been on an emotional roller coaster for the past little while. Our good friends Jared and Miranda had their little baby girl on Saturday February 16th. Macy was full term and Miranda had had a very good pregnancy. Within minutes of arriving at the hospital they realized little Macy had a life threatening low heart rate and an emergency c-section was done as soon as the nurse told Miranda "sweetie, I think your baby is dying".... that was the first they knew of any problems. Macy wasn't breathing and her heart rate had stopped and then before long they realized that their sweet baby girl had no brain activity. Macy was in the NICU until Tuesday  February 19th when she returned to Our Heavenly Father. Being in contact with Jared and Miranda throughout the few days of her life on earth and fasting for them really brought so many emotions. I have never felt so helpless in my life! I wanted to be able to DO something to help, something to ease their pain, something to help their little girl. But this wasn't about me, it was their journey and all I could do was send prayers and offer a fast in behalf of their family. Jared wrote some absolutely beautiful blog posts about Macy's journey and again after she had passed. Nate and I had the immense opportunity to fly to Austin for Macy's graveside services and viewing. Macy is beautiful. Macy is perfect. Macy is so perfect that this life just wasn't her mission. It is so hard for the mortal mind to understand that. Macy had everything to aid her in living, if that had been her mission.... But it just wasn't. My heart physically ached for them. I was crying for days. EJ would see me crying and ask if i was sad about the sick baby. I am thankful for The Gospel, for the knowledge that we have of The Afterlife. I am thankful that it can comfort me but more importantly that Jared and Miranda have that comfort. I can't imagine going through the a loss of a child without the knowledge of them living on and being able to live with them again.  It was such a learning experience to go through with Emersyn, trying to explain everything to her.
We flew into Austin friday and stayed through monday evening. We are so thankful that we were there to celebrate and recognize Miss Macy as well as offer support for Jared and Miranda. Max is now two and hilarious.... we thoroughly enjoyed our time with them. We hesitated going, for fear of being in the way or taking away from their time with their families who had come into town. But it was the exact opposite. Their families were SO GREAT and took US in. We had SUCH a great time getting to meet Miranda's family and Jared's sibilings  for the first time. Jared's parents we had spent time with when Max was born and again at graduation. It was fun seeing them again.
Macy's viewing was a neat experience. It was sad to see such a tiny little box. Hard to think that our friends had to go through the motions of planning a funeral for their brand new baby. Seeing Macy as perfect as she is, it really made me feel that she was perfectly ready for this life. Her body was perfect... she has the most perfect little nose that I have ever seen on a baby... She was ready to go, but this just wasn't her mission. It reaffirmed the feeling I had had previously that had this been her mission, she would have lived. But it wasn't, and those are some of the only words that I find comfort in. I find comfort in her parents. They are amazingly strong. I am in awe at them and their testimonies of  The Gospel and the Plan of Salvation  Upon leaving the cemetery, we took Miranda's parents with us in our car. We had a great conversation and I mentioned that I had a strong feeling of just how lucky both parties were.... Miranda and Jared are so blessed to be the eternal parents to such an amazing little girl. A little girl whose work on the other side is so pressing, and she so perfect, that this earthly experience wasn't where she was most needed. And sweet Macy Jewel is SOOO BLESSED to have such faithful parents. The Lord blessed them with an amazingly strong daughter and I know that wasn't a coincidence. He knows them, He trusts them, and He believes that they will make it through this heartache. They have commented on how they are not "Moving on from Macy, but moving up for Macy". They have seen a glimpse of the prize at the end of the race we call life. During her service it hit me, when a child passes from this life it becomes a point of almost re-dedication to the Gospel. And, I having not experienced the passing of a child had the thought 'I shouldn't need an experience of that magnitude to live better for my children. I have two children who watch me on a daily basis, these little sponges that soak up everything around them. I should be moving up for my children as well.' I am thankful for Macy, Jared, and Miranda teaching me that priceless lesson. Granted, Jared and Miranda now have a perfect child that they must move up towards and I know they will strive everyday to accomplish that. You know when you teach a lesson or give a talk in Church and you feel like you have gotten more out of the preparation for it then you are offering to the class? That is how I feel about Macy's service. We were there to support Jared and Miranda and recognize Miss Macy, but I almost feel guilty as to how much I was able to take away from being in their presence....That is how amazing this family is! I  have forever been changed by their exercise of optimism and faith, hand in hand.
I wish I could be there in lonely days to come. I wish I could be there longer to help Miranda recovering from a c-section with a busy 2-year-old. I can only continue to pray for them and hope they find comfort from The Ultimate Comforter who can offer much more reassurance then I ever could.... and I have faith that their most sweet prize at the end of this race will offer them comfort in their times of need.